New Year’s Eve was here again, my facebook news feed was full of ‘2015 is going to be my year’ ‘Time for a change’ ‘New Year – New me’ and of course my lovely friends with their wasted selfies out on the vino and loving life, meanwhile here I was sat on Derek’s sofa in my onesie because he hates NYE with an absolute passion, actually he seems to hate going out full stop. He had offered to cook dinner for once which actually means he went to the supermarket to purchase dinner and would ask me nonstop questions about what to do until I got so pissed off with him I’d kick him out of the kitchen and do it myself. “Jess! Get off your bloody phone and help me will you, I don’t know what I’m doing” – and so it begins… we go through the usual rigmarole of me explaining what to put in the oven first when to add in what but of course it’s just too hard of a task and he throws the tea towel on the side in the most dramatic fashion, declares defeat and storms off.

Derek and I have been on and off since I was 16 – He was my first real boyfriend, you know the one, where you’ve passed the point of doodling their name on your pencil case and you actually see each other outside of school. He was 18 and a complete tool but there was something about him – he was unobtainable, and I loved a challenge (and still do).

Derek is 5’9 has almost black hair and the bluest eyes he has an athletic build and has this arrogance about him that when I was 16 I adored but as I’ve got older and changed as a person it’s now an arrogance I despise and just don’t understand. This was a crush and a relationship that had the life span of a diary product yet somehow we kept going back to each other to cause more pain because we ‘loved’ one another – its laughable, we never truly loved one another we loved the game of who could get one over on the other and both of us were too stubborn to walk away without ‘the win’ – it had become a dangerous unspoken game of who could destroy who, I had already lost myself how much more was I willing to lose? and for what?

As we sat on the sofa watching mundane TV and all I could think about was what I was missing, what I was giving up to continue playing ridiculous games with a man that I knew I wasn’t going to spend my life with. That was the night I became one of those people on my facebook feed I couldn’t stand – “New year, New me” I of course didn’t post this on social media, this was a promise I was making to myself to change my life entirely so I could finally feel good about myself again.

wasn’t going to spend my life with. That was the night I became one of those people on my facebook feed I couldn’t stand – “New year, New me” I of course didn’t post this on social media, this was a promise I was making to myself to change my life entirely so I could finally feel good about myself again.